Wives, Submit to Your Own Husbands

Because of the huge push back against destructive feminism, we are seeing a surge in the doctrine that puts all the focus on a woman's submission to her husband. I help admin a large women's group where marriage issues are constantly brought up. I've been working on this article for months and was given renewed energy to finish it after recently reading one comment there where a woman was telling a wife that it is witchcraft to resist her husband because of his sin. I'm a protector by nature, and I am very concerned for my sisters who are being influenced by these kind of people. The commentor said that the wife ought to submit to him even if he was abusing her. Her argument was that Yeshua submitted to all kinds of abuse, even death, to redeem mankind, therefore a wife should model her behavior after Yeshua. She brought up how Peter teaches that the wife's silence and submission will transform her husband. This doctrine being promoted is age-old of course, but because of how it manipulates and uses scripture, it has hooked many today. Never did the apostles instruct a wife to lay down her life for the husband; it was in fact said the other way around. And, if a woman ought to model her behavior after Yeshua and His ministry to mankind, what did He do when people wished to abuse and kill him? He avoided them, rebuked them, and escaped their hands more than once. It is interesting indeed that women are told, "Don't try to change you husband," yet it is on her that all the weight off his transformation process is put. His change is dependent on her being a "good wife."

While the Bible teaches that wives are to be cherished, protected, provided for, and loved, many circles have put their focus on teaching women that they are destined to be rebellious towards their husband’s leadership because of the fall. They do not protect women from their wicked husbands, but rather they send the wife back to her abuser with instructions for her to submit to him and repent of her rebellion. They should instead be confronting and holding the husband responsible for his abusive behavior and showing the gospel to the woman by getting her to safety. Scripture is constantly used to promote this twisted doctrine, the following verse in particular:

Genesis 3:16 To the woman He said, I will greatly increase your sorrow and your conception. In pain you shall bear sons, and your desire shall be toward your husband, and he shall rule over you.

It's taught that because of the fall, this is the prescription for all marriages - the husband "ruling" over her is described as his headship and authority that she must yield to, but that because of sin she will instinctively resist and will constantly desire to circumvent his authority over her. It is incorrectly taught to couples that the word for "desire" actually means "desire for control."

While there certainly are many women who are rebellious and disrespectful to their husbands, this behavior is not nearly as common in another behavior is, which far better explains what this verse is saying.

The Hebrew word used for "rule" is defined by Strongs as having dominion [dominating] and exercising power over - which is said of the man. The Hebrew word used for "desire" is defined by Strongs as a stretching out after, a longing - which is said of the woman.

These words are describing the dysfunctional behavior of BOTH men and women brought on by the curse. Almost every report we have of domestic violence is from men towards women. We have never seen in any culture or generation that the majority of those who experience physical abuse in relationships are men. Men who are not submitted to God are constantly dominating and overpowering women. You see it often in the speech of these kinds of men all over the internet - they demand submission. This is the curse of men ruling women. Ruling/domination is not a good thing.

For the woman, that longing, stretching out after (pursual) pictures how most if not all women become co-dependent on the men who abuse them. There is hardly a woman who won't tell you how devastated she is to be separated from her abuser. Even after she has left him, she longs for him and wishes she could be what saves him, which is of course extremely dysfunctional. This is why we are constantly seeing women marrying their r*pists or marrying men on death-row.

The only men who can avoid ruling/dominating their wives are those who are submitting to God. And the only women who can avoid being co-dependent to their husbands and allowing them to abuse them and their children, are those who are submitting to God. Both the domination and the co-dependence is a form of sin, because neither is done out of love and both are harmful to the self and the spouse. Both men and women should be striving to avoid this cursed mindset and unbalanced behavior. It is not emasculating men to teach them to cherish their wives with gentleness - this is the most powerful kind of masculinity where a man who has every potential to be dangerous has his power under full control and is willing to listen with humility to the good advice of his wife. A man who cannot control his sexuality, strength, and temper is a weak man.

Proverbs 16:32 He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that rules his spirit than he that takes a city.

Proverbs 5:15-18 Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.

Thankfully, God can train a man how to gently lead, and a wife how to respectfully help. We are not fully bound to the curse.

But, women are being told that not wanting to be co-dependent and submit to an abusive man is her rebellious heart. They are being trained to believe their husbands are their masters, and even that her husband is overpowering her simply because she doesn't submit to him. The blame of a tumultuous marriage falls on her when she gets counseling from those who teach this doctrine. Instead of her being the stone that sharpens the iron, she is told she must submit and obey no matter what, even if he is beating her. This is exactly opposite of what God made women to do, because she is not helping her husband by doing this. She is enabling him in his wickedness and weakness.

Now let's dissect the word "submission." I have realized there are two ways to understand the meaning of this word. The first way of understanding it puts the focus on obedience, which is a definition English speakers are more familiar with. To the ones teaching wife-focused submission, it means the wife must obey her husband and never resist his domination. Submission is said to be her responsibility, and ruling is his. She is basically to worship the ground her husband walks on. Call him her king. She is to lavish him with praise whether he deserves it or not. She is to stick by his side regardless of his vices. She is to be completely passive and supportive of him no matter his choices. Most of all, she is never to question him. I’ll tell you about two women who did this in the Bible. Haman’s wife is the first. She supported, enabled, and encouraged his wickedness. Sapphira is the second. She agreed together with her husband to lie to the disciples. There are different extremes of these teachings, of course, in all the different circles, but one thing is key in this doctrine, and that is that the wife must submit to her husband even if he is abusing her.

The second way to understand the meaning of submission is what I believe is Abba’s pure design for marriage and this kind of submission doesn't fall on just the wife, but also on the husband. Strongs definition of submission leans more to the common understanding, but I believe we don't need a definition if you look at the people who Paul and Peter refer to when the word submission is used. The two people used by them model spousal submission perfectly. Their relationship displayed mutual respect, deference, and a word I love: "harkening". This was Abraham and Sarah.

Let's first look at how in Genesis 21:12 it says that Abraham “harkened” to Sarah when she told him to send away the slave woman. The Hebrew word used in this verse is “shama” - and the English translation is "to listen to and obey." He yielded to her advice even though he was troubled over it. This is submission, BUT he submitted to her because God told him to. Her advice was for the peace and future of his family. He took council not only from her but from God as well. That is what godly spousal submission looks like - being willing to accept any advice if it is in line with God's.

Their marriage wasn't Abraham submitting to Sarah and her "ruling" him, though. We see how Abraham was the spiritual leader of the family, bringing them out of the his homeland and following the instructions of God. He protected and fought for their wellbeing. Sarah respected Abraham and called him “Lord”, which in those days is much how we refer today to someone as Mr. (Master) if we wish to show respect, not because we want to be dominated by them and we think they are our actual master.

Now Abraham and Sarah are also a perfect example of when this hearkening and submitting to one another can also lead astray if neither are submitting to God while doing it. Sarah instructed Abraham to go into her maidservant, and the scriptures say that he hearkened (shama) to her in this also, which led to conflict that would last until the end of days. This teaches us that though husband and wife are to show mutual submission to each other, it is also both side's responsibility to test counsel given to them by their spouse and turn away from it if it goes against God's instruction and faith in His promises.

The word "submit" and "obey" are triggering words today. We could say Abraham “obeyed” Sarah, and he did, but that would trigger most people because of how these words have been misused. I think a better way to describe it is that both a husband and wife will "harken" or hear each other out, preferring each other's advice. They will defer to each other. They will desire to follow each other’s word if it is wise rather than fight for their own way or prefer the counsel of others. A wife will prefer the advice of her husband over the advice of other men (wives, submit to your OWN husbands), and a husband will prefer the advice of his own wife instead of the advice of other women.

Both Paul and Peter say wives should submit to their "own husbands" four times. I see that this isn't putting the focus on submission but rather on WHO they submit to. I'll share an example. Awhile back there was a young man I started following on YouTube for a time because he had interesting videos on natural living. I soon noticed a strange story unfolding. All the single women following him were desperate to be noticed by him since he was still single. Then there was a woman who started showing up in his videos. Supposedly she and her husband had moved to be closer to him to help out with his ministry. This woman started investing a lot of her time in helping him, and it began to make her husband very uncomfortable. Eventually it seems her husband forbid her from helping the young man anymore, but this woman decided that his ministry was part of her calling, and she continued to go. Stories went around that her husband became abusive. The woman and this young man assured people that they were just friends and there was nothing going on - they had no interest in each other that way. I didn't like what I was seeing so I stopped following. I checked in on the channel later and found out that she had divorced her husband, married the young man, and now they have a baby. This is what I believe Paul and Peter were warning about. When you have influential men leading and teaching others, women must be fully submitting to their own husbands rather than these other men. I have no idea what was going on in this woman's marriage, but the result was enough to tell me she had her heart set on submitting to another man, otherwise a marriage to him would never have happened. Be careful women! Loyalty is scarce these days, and I believe it is one of the best hopes for a broken marriage to be healed when that loyalty is applied properly. Stay faithful in heart and in action so that you may be blameless!

So, back to what mutual submission in a balanced marriage looks like:

A husband as the leader and protector of his wife is not to allow her to do sinful things and ought to gently correct her and guide her in the areas she struggles. A good woman will appreciate and desire this from her husband. It is the husband's responsibility, like it was Abraham's in the case of using Hagar, not to follow bad advice from his wife that would make him go against God's word.

A wife as the helper and encourager is not to support her husband in doing sinful things either. Indeed, it is her responsibility, if she is truly acting as his helper [ezer], to respectfully say no to his sinful domination over her and her children. If her gentle correction does not influence him (since men who are in domination mindset are not easily swayed), then it is her duty to refuse to follow anything that requires sin on her part. She doesn't need to look for things to rebel against but to simply walk out her faith and not support sin. I do believe at times there should be compromise when it is not worth the fight, but she must not be Sapphira who was struck down by God for going along with her husband's decision. Far more women need to be told that it isn't rebellion to stop enabling their husbands to abuse her and her children. Wives should be like Abigail, who was not belligerent, but rather was tactful and resolute when she recognized the urgency of the situation and went against her husband’s will.

Marriage is to be a partnership. Neither one should dominate the other. Women should not rule their husbands, and men should not rule their wives. We are living in one Kingdom, which belongs to one Ruler, God. We are all servants to Him and each other. We don’t all have our own little kingdoms who our husbands are kings over. It is a very arrogant and self-promoting for men and women to live in this mindset. Rulership mindset causes division within the body. Yeshua specifically teaches that no one is to be lord over their brother. We must all rather be servants doing the will Father - which is done by serving each other and expanding HIS Kingdom for HIS glory and HIS perfect dominion.

Matthew 20:25-28 But Jesus called them and said, You know that the rulers of the nations exercise dominion over them, and they who are great exercise authority over them. However, it shall not be so among you. But whoever desires to be great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be chief among you, let him be your servant; even as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.

Men have their own roles, as do women. A man has authority as a husband in his role, and a woman has authority as a wife in her role. I believe man is the leader because he is stronger, and woman is the helper because she is more intuitive - meaning, while he’s slaying dragons, she’s using the safety and time he affords her to think for the two of them. If more women were taught how to submit to and receive this kind of service and leadership from their men, and if more men were taught how to submit to and receive this kind of help from their women, there would be far more peace in marriage. Teachers and counselors should be exposing the dysfunctional mindset of the curse that Christian circles are preaching today, because this is not what we should be fashioning our marriages after!

Because some men have married the "woman who tears down her own house", I'll add that I have certainly taken note of the rebellious and disrespectful women. These women mock their husband's publicly online instead of appreciate the hard work that they do. Other foolish women join in on the mockery and male-hatred. This behavior disgusts me, and these women need to be silent if all they can do when they open their mouths is lash out, gossip, and tear men apart, fueling the war between the sexes.

But it is dangerous to teach women who desire to love and please their husbands that they are born to be rebellious. Women are instinctively overly submissive and co-dependent. Telling a woman she must submit will immediately appeal to her cursed mindset to desire her abuser, and she will do so, thinking she is becoming more holy through it. Her husband will deep down resent her "holy" attitude because it doesn't help him. Depending on the husband, it will often create more conflict and confusion in their relationship in the long run. The solution is not for her to bicker with him to make him change. Both will need wise counseling, especially if they have been counseled into this extreme-submission, because there is often damaging backlash once the couple sees how dysfunctional this conduct is - which I'll share more about in a moment.

What most women need to be taught is HOW to help their husbands. It can be very hard to leave behind the co-dependent mindset, and if she is being triggered by a dominating husband, she may have adopted disrespectful habits and criticism that contribute to the cycle of their conflict. This is why most women will initially see improvement in their marriage when they are taught extreme submission because they are no longer triggering their explosive husbands with their words. Yet silence will never solve the root of the problem, which is almost always having a leader who is in rebellion to God. Which reminds me of Peter's often misunderstood instruction to a wife to submit to an unbelieving husband. Peter never described a husband who was in utter rebellion to God and abusing his wife. There are many unbelieving husbands who love and cherish their wives. Peter was instructing women not to be trying to convert their husbands and force them to follow God's instructions when they had no belief in them. A wife can win her unbelieving husband without a sermon through her good conduct. An abusive husband will not be changed by an enabling wife, though, and any woman who claims that theirs have changed can be incredibly thankful because they are the exception (and many of these exceptions may eventually see that their submission did not change things in the long run).

My statements in this article are my own opinion. Some are sweeping statements and don't apply to every marriage. Also, words such as "abuse" and "manipulation" are vague. Some could accuse others as being abusive when it isn't abuse. This is why every husband and wife who are in conflict should together seek the counsel of wise people in order for there to be fair discernment of each unique marriage. I realize I am young to be writing on this topic, so this perspective isn't built off my own experience of marriage but from what I have observed in other's marriages, from the advice I have received from very wise and experienced people, and, most importantly, from what I saw over the span of my whole life with my own parents who started out trying to follow these oppressive teachings. I was raised under Bill Gothard's principles, and the lasting damage they caused is what I want to speak out against. Seeing the long-term effects personally is why I would like to warn women who think that this mentality is working for them in the beginning - they shouldn't be quick to encourage other women to do this as the damage done doesn't show itself immediately.

I want to share now the risks faced when a wife and husband are coming out of this false doctrine. When a wife is told she must submit to an abusive husband, and she does, she will experience further neglect or abuse from a husband who is not being a true leader or is rebellious to God. Because she is told she must endure through this stage, she will neglect her duty as a wife to help her husband by not supporting his wickedness (for example, Saphira should have said no to her husband when he chose to lie - she would have lived, and perhaps he would've too, if he listened). As said earlier, when a husband is free to be a tyrant, early on, a wife's submission will undoubtedly cause the dust to settle, but she will eventually be worn down until she breaks under the huge load that this kind of submission puts on her. Men who are not physically abusive but still not fulfilling their gentle leadership role will often begin to resent their wife for being a doormat, and the marriage will feel empty. There will be no trust or true connection. Whether the husband is abusive or just lacking, many wives will have had enough at some point, and if both couples receive the wrong advice or are not submitted to God, the wife may eventually experience an extreme backlash to the submission teachings that put her under this injustice. Instead of the couple together seeking a balanced marriage, the woman will often turn and begin to dominate her husband, taking on leadership and decision making. We should not have either extreme in marriage. So, if you are a lady coming out of submission-domination teachings, just be aware of this risk and seek to find balanced submission with your husband.

If you are a man or woman in need of marriage counseling, feel free to reach out to me, and I can point you in the direction of trustworthy counselors.

Ephesians 5:21,22,25,26 Also submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Messiah - wives to your own husbands as to the Lord … Husbands, love your wives just as Messiah also loved His community and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, having cleansed her by immersion in the word.